Friday, April 8, 2011


Yes teenagers - those disgusting, fresh looking, adult defying, monsters that remind us of the frivolous excesses of our own youth and whom we so dearly love to hate. Their resemblance to other well known species of pests is  well reported. Teenagers come in all shapes and sizes but display several common traits that allow for an easy and positive identification.The most common trait is that Teenagers universally think they know everything, this is a common trait across all subspecies and is one of the most reliable identifiers of the species as a whole. Another pointer to the general species is  a tendency to congregate in packs of various sizes. These packs can be found at various venues including beaches, clubs and shopping malls. Teenagers may also be recognised by a common compulsion to play their music over loudly and to experiment with alcoholic beverages, quite often with unfortunate results. The male of the species is  universally identifiable by out of control testosterone and an unshakable belief in it's own invincibility. 

Teenagers are very conscious of their own sub species and one will very rarely find a mixture of the sub species voluntarily gathered together. For example the sub species "Bogan" will not voluntarily gather with other well known sub species such as "Geeks". The observer - on sighting such an unusual gathering should approach with extreme caution as the gathering could be a prelude to sub species combat - or more dangerously for the observer - a highly specialised sub group who are experts at camouflage and practice the very uncomfortable ritual known as "Baiting".

Other well known sub species - usually, but not always, found among the younger members of the type are known as "Louts", "Loud Mouths" , "Thugs" and "Drug & Alcohol Effected". These sub species very rarely reach full maturity but in any case the observer is cautioned to avoid them where ever possible. The problem of course is that all sub species are continuing to evolve and what may be firmly documented as fact today may not be valid tomorrow.

One of the most confusing aspects to the adult observer is the rumoured,  rare, and in some cases unproven, existence of  such sub species as "Diligent", "Hard Working" and "Obedient". The highly controversial subject - of whether or not the extremely rare sub species "Polite" still exists, or is in fact extinct, still rages in academic circles. Some observers believe that recent reported sightings are in fact those of the more common sub species known as "Chameleon". In some circumstances the "Chameleon" subspecies can almost exactly imitate the "Polite" sub species colouring and attitudes.

The single most remarkable aspect of studying the Teenager species is their metamorphosis stage! As they emerge from their chrysalis as fully formed adults they may have evolved into any of the known adult species. One of the most spectacular of these transformations is when a "Bogan" or "Lout" emerges as a fully transformed "Responsible Adult". Conversely "Geeks" have been known to emerge as "Drop Outs", " Low Achievers" and " Welfare Dependents".

The controversy over this species will continue indefinitely, not the least because one of the most frustrating effects of the metamorphosis  stage is that emerging adults almost universally suffer a selective amnesia over their own Teenage stage. This seriously precludes any connective observations and continues to confuse researchers trying to find the answer to the "Teenage Problem".

1 comment: