A Thought or Two on Mortality.

At the tender age of twenty one, if I had been asked, and stopped for even a minute to think about it I would have undoubtedly dismissed the question as irrelevant. What question? THE QUESTION - what happens when you die? At that age no one dwells on the concept of dieing and although anyone can die at any age - through accident or other misfortune  the attitude of most of the young is that they are invincible and thoughts of end of life - unless suicide is contemplated -  are mostly far from their thoughts.


As we progress through the steps to maturity - and undertake the responsibility of home and a family the concept might be addressed in a practical but distant manner - provision by way of a Will and Insurances of various types to provide for the family we might leave behind - BUT - the concept of our own death is still not seriously considered. Perhaps the unexpected onset of a serious illness or accident might make us stop and take stock of the possibility but still death is not a subject we seriously consider as an immediate possibility. Most of us expect to live into our old age - and - that will be soon enough to face the unpleasant possibility.


Then we wake up one morning and find we HAVE grown old. The onset of old age always  seems to arrive unexpectedly - and for some - sooner than expected. When we are young and strong and supposedly "bullet proof" the broken bone, the sports injury,  the illness is something we rightly expect to get over and come out the other side. We fail to consider that those injuries and illnesses might have a cumulative effect, but I believe they do. When I was a child I was one of the many thousands who became a victim of the polio epidemic - that took three years from my life - but - I got over it - I was judged fit and strong enough and passed the medical examinations when I applied for service in the armed forces. I was injured in the course of that service - and - I got over it. Like many others I suffered a broken bone or two in the course of my life - and - once again - I got over it.


Then I came to that age where retirement is thrust upon us - I had no option - the Armed forces have strict rules in that regard and so the first signal of approaching mortality was waved in my face - I ignored it - I was fit, still strong and had had the good fortune to suffer no other serious illnesses. I had a pilot's licence - I drove a motor car - and participated in motor sport -  I still practiced Martial Arts and could run a mile in under ten minutes - Death? Old Age? What's that? Who cares? - I'd made the necessary arrangements years ago - A Will - Funeral Arrangements - all the stuff that a responsible person considers necessary - but I was going to live to be a hundred - and get the Queen's - or the King's Telegram - yeah - right.


I faced mandatory retirement at age fifty five and in my fifty ninth year my legs started to give me problems - a combination the doctors said - Post Polio Syndrome and cumulative damage resulting from injuries - the second signal of approaching mortality - I ignored that too. There continued to be a number of signs of deterioration due to approaching old age -  so I slowed down - a bit. Then in my sixty eight year I caught a cold. Big deal - I rugged up, took some cough medicine and blew my nose when required. The cold developed into Bronchitis - so I went to see my Doctor and listened carefully to what he suggested - I followed his advice - to the letter -  the bronchitis developed into pneumonia - I ended up in hospital. I've been a smoker since I was aged fifteen and I ignored all the advice to give that up to - now I have been diagnosed with something called COPD - Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. I've finally given up smoking - not because I want to but because I have no bloody option - if I smoke - I can't breath! The third signal of approaching mortality and finally I decided I better think about it.


I'd like to make my eightieth year - with a bit of luck - perhaps my mid eighties - when I was in my mid forties I would have said - "that's a good innings" but I'm nearly sixty nine now - so my eightieth year is only eleven years away!!! Bloody hell - that's not long - I have  things to do - but I'm older now - and slower -  things take time - and some of them hurt these days - The legs play up and I can't run at all much anymore - they've taken my pilot's licence off me - and I can't pass the medical to race cars - Martial arts?? Forget it!  


Damn -  I should have taken notice of those signals!! I think I might be mortal after all

Where Have I Been??

I have to apologise to those few  followers of this blog who have remained interested and have (perhaps) checked back from time to time to see if I've made any new posts. As they will know - I have not. The reason for this neglect has been an unfortunate encounter with ill health. However I am now on the way to recover and although that recovery will be slow I will be updating this blog in the near future. Please call back in a few days to see what progress I've made. - 

Thank you

Teenagers - Part two - Advanced Studies.

Serious researchers have conducted a number of advanced studies into what is commonly called "The Teenage Problem". As previously mentioned it should be remembered that all such studies are subject to the "No Connectivity Rule" that is, the apparent selective amnesia suffered by most adults when attempting to remember their own teenage years.


One of the more interesting results came from a study conducted amongst a sample of adults from the "Responsible Adult" and "Nurturing Parent" sub species. Although a number of these subjects had been positively identified as metamorphosing from the "Wild and Irresponsible", "Lout" and "Negatively Responding" sub species of  Teenagers  they all exhibited profound discomfort when questioned and insisted that their own pre Adult years had been as  "Diligent", "Co operative" or even "Polite" Teenagers. Significantly, but also confusingly, none of the tested Adults were diagnosed as lying. In fact all tests concluded that the subjects really believed what they were saying!


These results add more confusion to the massive amounts of conflicting data already accrued and throw considerable doubt on many previously held assumptions, for example it is now beginning to become clear that the pre metamorphosis stage (of the teenager) has no bearing what so ever on the form of the fully matured Adult. Some avant-garde researchers have even gone so far as to theorise that the influence of the Adult species on the pre pubescent pupa has more influence over the adult form that the teenager will adopt.


At this stage of research, in spite of all the conflicting evidence, a small number of facts have emerged, unfortunately these facts have been self evident since research began so we are no further along the long and difficult task of understanding the species "Teenager". For the uninitiated here is a brief synopsis of what we do know: -


1. All Teenagers,  in all the subspecies,  think they know everything
2. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, are capable of loud and irritating behavior.
3. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, are capable of , and delight in, rebellious behavior.
4. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, have some inner compulsion to experiment with their lives.
5. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, are subject to behavioral anomalies influenced by hormonal conflicts.
6.All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, are seriously effected by peer group pressures
7. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, can, and will do, the deliberately and completely unexpected
8. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, willfully and deliberately defy adult directives
9. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, vigorously investigate any endeavour they are told not to pursue
10. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, are a complete mystery to adult observers.


Finally I must give a word of warning to all Adults contemplating a study of the Teenage Problem. This study is fraught with danger and can result in sleepless nights, frustrating days,  fear, confusion, trips to sporting fixtures, unexpected transportation demands, senseless rage, worry and,  if the would be researcher is considering breeding their own test subjects, a considerable financial burden.

A REPORT ON THE "TEENAGE " SPECIES - Part 1

Yes teenagers - those disgusting, fresh looking, adult defying, monsters that remind us of the frivolous excesses of our own youth and whom we so dearly love to hate. Their resemblance to other well known species of pests is  well reported. Teenagers come in all shapes and sizes but display several common traits that allow for an easy and positive identification.The most common trait is that Teenagers universally think they know everything, this is a common trait across all subspecies and is one of the most reliable identifiers of the species as a whole. Another pointer to the general species is  a tendency to congregate in packs of various sizes. These packs can be found at various venues including beaches, clubs and shopping malls. Teenagers may also be recognised by a common compulsion to play their music over loudly and to experiment with alcoholic beverages, quite often with unfortunate results. The male of the species is  universally identifiable by out of control testosterone and an unshakable belief in it's own invincibility. 


Teenagers are very conscious of their own sub species and one will very rarely find a mixture of the sub species voluntarily gathered together. For example the sub species "Bogan" will not voluntarily gather with other well known sub species such as "Geeks". The observer - on sighting such an unusual gathering should approach with extreme caution as the gathering could be a prelude to sub species combat - or more dangerously for the observer - a highly specialised sub group who are experts at camouflage and practice the very uncomfortable ritual known as "Baiting".


Other well known sub species - usually, but not always, found among the younger members of the type are known as "Louts", "Loud Mouths" , "Thugs" and "Drug & Alcohol Effected". These sub species very rarely reach full maturity but in any case the observer is cautioned to avoid them where ever possible. The problem of course is that all sub species are continuing to evolve and what may be firmly documented as fact today may not be valid tomorrow.


One of the most confusing aspects to the adult observer is the rumoured,  rare, and in some cases unproven, existence of  such sub species as "Diligent", "Hard Working" and "Obedient". The highly controversial subject - of whether or not the extremely rare sub species "Polite" still exists, or is in fact extinct, still rages in academic circles. Some observers believe that recent reported sightings are in fact those of the more common sub species known as "Chameleon". In some circumstances the "Chameleon" subspecies can almost exactly imitate the "Polite" sub species colouring and attitudes.


The single most remarkable aspect of studying the Teenager species is their metamorphosis stage! As they emerge from their chrysalis as fully formed adults they may have evolved into any of the known adult species. One of the most spectacular of these transformations is when a "Bogan" or "Lout" emerges as a fully transformed "Responsible Adult". Conversely "Geeks" have been known to emerge as "Drop Outs", " Low Achievers" and " Welfare Dependents".


The controversy over this species will continue indefinitely, not the least because one of the most frustrating effects of the metamorphosis  stage is that emerging adults almost universally suffer a selective amnesia over their own Teenage stage. This seriously precludes any connective observations and continues to confuse researchers trying to find the answer to the "Teenage Problem".

U.F.Os.

The very next person who confronts me with the accusation - "You're an ex military pilot - you MUST have seen UFOs."  is going to be attacked with a baseball bat - preferably one with big nails in the end of it! Unfortunately for me there is one of these "UFO Investigators" living a mere few properties away from mine. Even more unfortunately he recently discovered I'm an ex Air Force pilot. Therefore, according to his tiny fixated little mind I must have seen LOTS of little green , or grey, or even pink with purple polka dot aliens. In his world colour is probably optional but in any case "You MUST have seen things that you were told not to talk about ." (His emphasis - not mine.)


I was stupid enough to attempt to talk rationally with the man and explain that the term U.F.O. stands for Unidentified Flying Object and does not signify the existence, or presence, of a manned extra terrestrial vehicle. An unidentified flying object is just that - an object, apparently airborne, which has not, at the time of observation, been identified. In effect the local seagulls are UFOs - until you have a good look and say to yourself - Ah! bloody seagulls - I hope they don't crap on my washing.


This "Investigator" is a pest of the worse kind, I concede that there are a small number of airborne objects that do not comply with normal investigative procedures and their form and purpose is never clearly defined, however this clown takes the view that any light/ shadow/ unusual phenomena in the sky - or on the ground  - is some sort of alien contrivance. If he hears about it and it's less than a couple of hundred kilometers away he immediately sets forth with all manner of measuring equipment to "prove" that the men from Mars have landed. Equally unfortunately this idiot also has the mistaken belief that I have some secret knowledge that is denied to him and constantly tries to drag me along with him on his wild goose chases. I am seriously considering the purchase of a large vicious dog to discourage him.

It seems to me that this fool, and his faithful disciples, might also be referred to as UFOs - Unconditionally Fixated Obsessives!

Grumpy Old Women

I'm a firm believer in equal rights so it's only fair that, having sounded off about Grumpy Old Men, I now give equal attention to the female of the species; Grumpy Old Women. Women very rarely accept that they are ageing well and often become banshees of the black shawl set,  acid tongued old crones who harangue us with their constant complaining about everything from the useless, broken down, ineffectual man in their life to the price of spuds at the Green Grocer.


Grumpy Old Women may once have been the Belle of the Ball, the  vision of loveliness who took young men's breath away, or even the love of some poor delusioned man's life. But many women do grow sour with age. As their beauty fades and their sight dims it appears their one remaining joy in life is to make everyone feel as miserable as they do.  Their spouse, or partner, if he lingers, never brings home enough money, or is to busy playing golf, or any of the other activities a man pursues to avoid going home. Their children grow distant and disinterested and the grandchildren are just another imposition on their mostly empty life.


So the bitterness , and the resentment grows. They grow bent, and can no longer control the advance of body weight. The once svelte curves, that turned men's heads have finally surrendered to the advance of cellulite, and arthritis, and a multitude of "women's" complaints. They sit on bus stops, and seats in city malls or parks and glare disapprovingly at the antics of the young. It seems that, to them, youth is the ultimate crime. One wonders if their fading memories retain any history of their own past  and the fact that they too were once young. Perhaps, if those memories are still retained, they are ruthlessly suppressed, after all who wants to be reminded of what used to be. Then there is the opposite approach of these Grumpy Old Women - nothing is a good as it used to be and, it follows, no one else is as good as they were themselves. One hears the bitter complaints that - "When I was young  etc, etc." - fill in the blanks for yourself. 


Of course there is the final irony - the Merry Widows - of which there are many sub types. There is the calculating younger woman who carefully chose, and married, a man 10 or 20 years her senior and patiently waited for her time to come. They can be recognised by the brand new outfits purchased with the proceeds of their late husband's estate and their some what desperate attempts to catch a younger man, hopefully to reward them for their years of devoted and slow wearing down of their husbands to ensure the poor man meets his maker before his rightful time. A realisation that by the time they collected they were past their prime brings the whole gambit of bitterness to the fore. This sub type is easily confused with the divorcees who got impatient and bailed out before collection time. Their bitterness is usually accompanied by a string of invectives describing the ex husband, especially if he was smart enough to have an effective pre nuptial agreement in hand. 


The final sub type we will examine is the most fearsome of the lot. The Self Sufficient Woman. This subtype is not always a Grumpy Old Woman but can display a very effective facsimile if it suits her game plan. Self sufficient women are inevitably well groomed, generally look younger than their true chronological age and quite often are well educated. A sure sign is if they have gone back and studied for a Degree or Diploma subsequent to their partner's demise. The self sufficient woman is likely to own her own property, or properties, and is most likely to be financially secure. She knows what she wants, and more importantly what she does not! Gentlemen be warned, the capture of  the self sufficient woman is a task beyond the skills and capabilities of most mere males and has a high probability of backfiring. Be aware of Grumpy's 97th Law of Survival. The female of the species is more lethally dangerous than the male!

Grumpy Old Men!

Curmudgeons, Grumps, Old Farts, call us what you will but we are a fact of life. A young man has an unshakable faith in his invincibility that only the ravishes of time, or perhaps self abuse, can erase. At twenty a young man is in the prime of his condition and is fast approaching the threshold of total maturity, and ultimately manhood. Some acquire that pinnacle in a rush, others with a slower and more considered approach.


Either way each of us, baring fatal accident or disease, will finally reach that point in time called middle age and from there the slide into old age is a fate non of us can escape. One would expect that, with the accumulated wisdom and experience of our years, we would mellow into a knowledgeable old guru who would sit and dispense his wisdom to any who are wise enough to listen. Not bloody likely. The onset of old age brings us reminders of the follies of our own youth in the form of  arthritis, clogged arteries, unclassified pains, stiffness and a growing intolerance for the stupidities of mankind.


For some of us the bitter lessons of relationships gone wrong add further dissatisfaction to the journey of our life. Then there is the "I can still do it" syndrome which often manifests itself in middle age. For some it is black shirts worn unbuttoned over a protruding stomach and often coupled with a profusion of heavy golden jewelery worn like a yoke around the neck. Those of us unaffected by this  syndrome sneer that "so and so is going through a second childhood" and laugh heartily at his childish antics. But we all suffer in one way or another from the mistaken belief that we still have what "it" takes. Significantly none of us are quite sure just what "it" is. I'm a retired pilot and for me the syndrome manifests itself in a passion for flying radio controlled model aircraft. I may not still be up there but my spirit is! - Yeah, right.


What ever the affliction it is inevitably accompanied by an increase in pain and stiffness that makes it difficult to get the body moving when we  get out of bed. So by the time we creak our way to the breakfast table we have already started to build a head of steam. The toast burns or the coffee, which you forgot was there, is to damn cold. Then the morning paper is full of bad news and photos of lithe young bodies doing things with apparent effortless ease. We open the door and the cold blast of freezing morning air nearly blows us off our tottery old feet. Is it any wonder that the first person unfortunate enough to attempt a conversation gets blasted with a stream of vitriol and bad temper? Such is the life of an old curmudgeon.